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Blood Vow

Happiness is success... (Buddha)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This is how it works...

All the moderators at Dakka Dakka are Gwar's bitches. Last night Frazzled locked down Gwar's SW FAQ thread in YMDC. Gwar then starts a post in General Discussion crying like a baby how unfair it was that Frazzled locked his thread. Yakface comes on and posts an apology to Gwar. The SW FAQ is unlocked and Gwar's crybaby thread is conviently deleted.

That's how it works.


The truth about hte Ard Boyz semi finals

This is from Bruce's blog Strictly Average:


Apparently I have played Bruce in the past. The link above is his response to Nikk Aad's accusations that I cheated during our third round game in the 2009 Ard Boys semi finals at Tate's Gaming Satellite in south Florida. This is my reply on Bruce's blog:

Hi. I want to thank you for being objective about your review of the event. I chose not to speak much about it publicly at the time because I felt bad for Nikk that he came out and said he felt cheated. Some time had passed, the Ard Boyz is over and now I would like to clear up some issues surrounding the game and Nikk.

First Nikk never was a member of the Wrecking Crew (WC). He simply joined our forums and put WC in front of his username. Our club was large enough that everyone took it for granted that one of our leaders (Kenny Boucher and Marc Parker) had granted him membership. Nikk played this well and we fell for it. After the shit storm hit the fan with his post on the WC forums we did some research and found out that in fact Nikk was never approved as a member.

More about his character... as soon as the third round was over Nikk said he would not be able to afford the trip to Chicago for the finals. The TO immediately went looking for the person (Gabe Dobkins) who took 4th place to let him know he would be able to go. Nikk in the meantime was trying to sell his spot and when he learned that Gabe would get his spot suddenly Nikk said he would be able to go.

Nikk asked me during the game to see my codex. I was playing Blood Angels with Grey Knights as an allied troop choice so I asked him which one he would like to see and what was his question. He never answered me and after the game was over he stated he wanted to see the SM codex because he had a question regarding whether or not a combi melta benefits from Vulkan. He had gotten into a big argument with some other members of WC a week or two about this while playing with them in the Miami area. I thought this was very odd of him to ask during the game in which he stated I was slow playing.

About the accussations of slow playing... I had a terrible headache and there were no sideboards to place your army so I put mine on the closet counter at the store. It took time to pull out units when I disembarked them. Nikk was beside himself when I asked an employee if I could have an aspirin and a diet Coke. Nikk always took his time during his turns and then would stare at me and tell me to hurry up during my turns.

What bothers me the most is that Nikk never approached me to discuss these issues and posted about later that night on the WC forums. He said in his post that he did not want to go public but sure enough some asshat from my local area linked his post on the B&C and Dakka Dakka. I think Nikk is smart enough to know that his post on the WC forums would be highly visible. Stelek also posted it on his blog - I stand no chance there of having an opportunity to explain my point of view fairly.

Are any of Nikk's accusations true? What about his game play during the match. I had some issues with him such as rolling dice behind terrain where I could not see the results and not taking DT tests for his Oblits when they DSd into DT. I can say here that what he said is not true and I responded point by point on Dakka Dakka. I'm not going to go through that exercise again.

Publicly I have offered an olive branch to Stelek recently. I will see how it goes. I would like to develop a relationship with Stelek where I can have an adult conversation with him. I think the way he handled it when he posted Nikk's link was unfair. Stelek ripped me hard on his blog and stated that WC players were traveling to stores further away to avoid playing each other in the prelims and semis. I traveled to Tate's Gaming Satellite rather than play at Sci-Fi City (a store I don't like). There were no WC members at Sci-Fi City while there were four of us at Tate's.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My days at Dakka Dakka are over for now

As of today I will no longer be posting on Dakka Dakka. I am sick and tired of the punks that troll YMDC. I am talking about people like Gwar, King Elassar, Demojerk and the like. They make me want to puke. I have played Demojerk in a game and kicked his ass hard. These guys talk tough on the Internet but in reality they TOTALLY suck donkey balls when it comes to the game. Dakka has much too soft of a liberal policy and let's assholes ruin it for everyone. I like forums like 40kWC and B&C where the staff runs a tight ship.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Huge Mechanized Machine of War (HMMoW)

The monkeys stood around Stelek intently listening. "The HHMoW is your salvation. I read all about it in the Book of RAW. it will roll over teh trolles crushing them into paste!"

Bunker clapped his furry paws together. "It just sounds too good to be true and even if this metal clad behemoth of war does exist the trolles with simply fall back to their caves."

"We will burninate them all!" shouted Stelek. "Trölles are not immune to fire."

"And who here will be the first to venture into their caverns?" asked Bunker. The room fell silent. "Its not nearly that simple you foolish newb." said Bunker as his iron gob worked up and down. "We are safe here in the keep and the trolles are afraid of water, they will never risk crossing the deep moat. It is folly to start a war with the trolles."

Stelek smiled at the monkeys and his beady eyes gleamed. "The trolles must be defeated or else they will eventually figure a way into the keep. I have heard tell that there are caves leading from their very lair that lead into the bottom of your dungeon. It's only a matter of time and the defeat at the hands of the FAQ Monster fills them with rage most surely."

News from hte Front

The human was partially hidden by the shadows. He held a pizza box and tossed it's contents out amongst the trolles. The beasties were all besides themselves shoving each other out of the way, grabbing at the slices of hot pepperoni pizza and glupping them down. The human lowered his torch and stepped out from hte darkness. The glare from the bright torch made it almost impossible to make him out. "I have heard news that the young naïf named Stelek has taken command of the flying apes and is planning to assault you in your very lair. The apes are all gibbering and ready to go. The defeat of teh great and powerful King Gwar at the hands of teh FAQ Monster has apparently given them much courage. There are plenty of monkeys and they are armed to teh teeth. The day of the trolles looks to be over soon."

king Gwar stumbled over kicking the limp form of the imp named Fetterkey into a deep stinking cistern. All of the trolles stopped eating the pizza momentarily to laugh out loud. Gwar frowned and they all shut up. "The monkeys cannot best my mighty trolles. I have the sceptre of deception. The monkeys rightly fear it."

"They say the monkeys will fill their ears with wax. And they have huge mechanized machine of war to ride into battle. You are doomed." said the human.

"No!" thundered Gwar. "We shall stoop to foul trickery to win. It has worked before and this hte way of teh trolle."

"Word is spreading about that your name means Gay Womens Against Rape. Google it you stupid trolle." with that the human doused his torch in a closeby pool of water snuffing the source of light. The trolles were momentarily blinded and when their acute sight came back the human was long gone. Gwar dropped his drawers and stooped down upon the top of hte cistern. He grunted.

"King Gwar is taking a dump on Fetterkey!" said one of the many trolles. They laughed then broke out into guffaws.


The trolles sat in their cave watching King Gwar. "This FAQ Monster just got lucky, that's all there is to it." said Gwar. "I rightly reckon it's ears are plugged full of waxy wax. Yes that sounds right to me." the trolles all nodded their lumpy heads while gnawing on grizzled bones.

"These flying monkeys must have put the FAQ Monster up to it." said the little trolle named Fetterkey. The trolle was little more than the size of an imp was grossly speckled with huge flabby warts. "Everyone knows monsters are quite rightly trash. The beast just had a run of luck."

Gwar rubbed the huge bruised lump left on his noggin from the savage blow from the FAQ Monster. It ached and the King still had a splitting headache. "Shudup you fething little embecile!" snarled Gwar as he shot out from his throne and clutched the imp Fetterkey by the throat. "I do all the thinking round here!" He squeezed hard watching the imp's warts bulge from the immense pressure from his grip then threw little Fetterkey hard against the cavern wall. The imp's head struck the stone hard mocking the little beasty unconscious. "Let that be a lesson to you all. Don't even think about interrupting me. The nerve!"

a large shadow filled the back of the cavern as a human mortal mortal entered the enclave. He carried a big torch. "I bring news from teh front."

Friday, September 18, 2009

Return of teh Krew...

Stelek sat in the dungeon shackled to a small table. His sack and sword had been confiscated from by the apes. The dungeon was cold and damp. Moss grew upon the brick walls and thin rivulets of monkey pee ran down through the cracks. The smell was horrid.

"Fancy a game of craps!" asked the other prisoner. He was dressed in a large black tee shirt and wore huge denim shorts that hung down past his knees. An overly large striped baseball cap sat upon his head with the bill sticking out the back.

"Just who in the hades do you think you are and why the heck are you wearing those dark sunglasses? It's dark as pitch down here don't you know." the naïf frowned.

"Dont get all worked up over appearance my friend, it's only skin deep as the old saying goes don't you know?" said the prisoner. "Come on now and let's roll teh bonez. It will help to pass time."

"Well okay then." said Stelek. "I don't suppose it will hurt. I used to be somewhat of a dice champion. I just seem to have all kinds of good luck."

The prisoner lowered his sunglasses for a moment and studied the newb. "Okay then friend. Here are a pair of dice for you and here is a pair for me." The prisoner produced a pair of small white dice with black skulls for pips and handed them over. Next he pulled out a pair of large black casino dice with straight sharp edges and red skulls for pips. "You can practically shave yourself with these edges." the prisoner said as he rolled his dice. Up popped a 3 and 4 for the seven. "Lets see your good luck beat that."

Stelek rolled his white dice but could only manage of combination of 1 and 2 for the three. "Crap!" shouted the fat naïf. "Your dice must be loaded! Make sure you roll them next time, no more dropping them on the table you cheat."

the prisoner laughed while rolling again. Up popped a 6 and 1 for the seven.

"I can beat that!" exclaimed the newb as he rolled his dice. A combination of 3 and 5 landed. "These dice are shit! I want to use yours."

"Okay that's fine." said the prisoner as he swapped the dice and rolled again. Up popped a 2 and 5 for a third consecutive seven. "Well it looks like I just won. So much for your good luck." laughed the prisoner. He quickly swept up all four dice from the table and dropped them in his pants pocket.

"You are a cheat!" said Stelek. "Now bugger off."

"Dont I know you?" said the prisoner. "You certainly look quite familar. I think I remember seeing your picture posted in a water closet back in teh day when I served under good King Elixir. You look like you've put on a fair bit of weight since the picture was taken. I seem to remember you frowning and holding up your middle finger."

"You served under King Exilir? That's pure rubbish!" cried the chubby naïf. Stelek stood up and flashed his middle finger on his right hand towards the prisoner.

The prisoner stood up and backhanded Stelek with his big baseball cap, knocking the newb on his fat arse. "You certainly have a big mouth dont you?" said the prisoner. "You are a rather droll sort. I think I'll be moving along now if you don't mind." The prisoner stood up and walked over to the stairwell.

"Don't leave me here!" cried Stelek. "I'm most sorry I called you a cheat. I hate to lose!"

the prisoner started to ascend the steps slowly. "Sounds about right to me. Most definitely a bad case of teh sour grapes you got going on."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The current state of teh game and CSM

Needless to say I am not a fan of the new CSM codex. My issue is the inability to field pure cult armies. Sure we have access to the cults as troops but that's it. I have had no desire to play the mixed bag that is presented now. It's not sour grapes on my part, I can and do adapt to the inevitable changes to the game that come along. Plague Marines are very popular now seeing they are quite resilient and are basically jacks of all trades. The thing is we need other units to support them. We do have access to Typhus for an HQ, he has plenty of neat toys and abilities but unfortunately that's about it really. You can field a Nurghal daemon prince and you can make a good case that he is worthy of the title, it's quite good overall too... Or we could field a Chaos Lord with the Mark of Nurghal and a good case can be made for him as well buy seriously you rarely ever see Chaos Lords these days. I think there is a good reason for that as well.

Chaos terminators with the MoN blow in my opinion... First they are not fearless and second if the terminator with the banner /icon of Nurgle should die then the rest of the squad reverts back to normal Chaos terminators. We can field Chaos bikers with the Mark for T6 but it's quite expensive to do and really now it's now that great of a unit. Basically the same goes for any unit with this icon.

I am hoping for an eventual legions codex but I'm not holding my breath either. GW might eventually release one but then again they might not and if they do I reckon it won't be anytime in the near future I'm not the kind to throw up my hands in teh air feeling exasperated but on the other hand it's kind of depressing.

I am a big fan of possessed Chaos Space Marines with the MoN but I find most people eschew their use.


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

An end to teh fable

The previous post ends the fable. The FAQ Monster overthrows King Gwar representing a body of thought not easily influenced by RAW and therefore immune to RAW. Stelek has been imprisoned by a character not swayed by glib promises of easy victory.

The blog will now focus on Deathguard and my thoughts on the CSM codex.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

The FAQ Monster cometh...

A pair of monkeys guarding the eastern corner of the castle walls heard a loud commotion. Looking over to the south they saw a vast horde of trolles swarming out from the sunken hills. King Gwar lead them carried about on his iron throne, wearing the crown of dissent and clutching the sceptre of redirection. From the other direction there came the sounds of snorting, the giant FAQ Monster charged out through the swamps rushing blindly into the masses. "Those trolles have finally met their match!" said one of the monkeys. The FAQ Monster hit hard into the closest line of trolles sending them flying about in every direction.

King Gwar leapt down from his iron throne and held up his sceptre "I sayeth to yee FAQ Monster cease and desist! Return to your swamp and begone!"

the FAQ Monster swung around backhanding the King of the Trolles with one of his huge mishapen fists. Gwar was knocked silly tumbling end over end back into his rank and file. Teh FAQ Monster roared and charged again pummeling more of the trolles. Without their leader the hordes soon broke and retreated back in teh sunken hills carrying the inert form of King Gwar as they ran.

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" proclaimed the other ape as the FAQ Monster chased after the swarm of fleeing trolles.

PART TWO • Teh Naif Approachs


Bunker looked at Stelek and frowned. "You really aren't worth the trouble... I'm not sure what we should do with you."

the naïf grinned "How many of you are there?"

"Too many to keep track of. Now I have decided what we should do. Trolles love to eat fat young boys and I'm sure you'd look very tempting to them. I think we are going to use you for bait." Bunker snapped his furry fingers and suddenly a gang of monkeys were on top of the newb, holding him down and tressing him tight with bound rope.

"No!" cried Stelek. "I must fulfill my quest as dictated to me by Teh good King Elixir. If we join forces I feel certain we can overthrow the trolls."

Bunker laughed. "You are a young fool indeed. King Gwar of yee trolles has a magical artefact that gives him power over all others. If he speaks a command then others do exactly as he tells them. We monkeys are safe here in our castle left to us by the dead witch Gauge."

"There must be some of her potent magic left. Why I heard there is a crystal ball here and you can see the future in it. There must be other powerful totems as well. We must fight the trolles!"

"Hmmmm." said the chief ape. "What good would it do us to defeat the trolles? Their presence keeps the kingdom of man off our soil."

Stelek spoke quickly "Once you have beaten down all the trolles you'LL have some most awesome winsauce to take it to teh kingdom."

Bunker frowned and grabbed the newb by his fat pudgy cheeks. "You are a man yourself. I can see know clearly that you lie just like any other." The monkey chief threw up his paws making signs. "Take him to teh dungeon. We'll use him as a lure at dawn."

"No!" cried Stelek again as a greasy gag was stuffed into his mouth.
King Elixir drank from the cup of malice. He then handed it back to his young fat naïf Stelek. "This brew tastes despicable. Are you sure you didn't take a horse piss in it? I want you to drink the rest of it bottoms up and dont even spill a drop."

the naïf quivered in his boots holding the immense cup with both of his pudgy little hands. The naïf put the rim to his mouth and started to swallow watching his King gloat as he sipped the vile brew. Indeed he had coaxed a black stallion to flush it's void into the cup. The brew was quite frothy and smelled like day old brine. King Elixir continued to smile as Stelek drank. The naïf began to swoon then vomited up the draft purging his stomach.

"Youve failed." said the King as he snapped his ringed fingers. In came the black stallion prancing upon the tiled floor. "I'm sure you have heard the legends about talking horses. This one has been known to wax on about great war tactics and freeing the surrounding peoples from my oppression. It's an inside joke to be honest." the King said. "i'd like you to meet some of my council members. Here is the Cheesy Elemental." the King pointed to a short fat youth with a bang of purple hairs hanging down covering his pimpled face. Cheesy Elemental was clad in a dark tee shirt and wore overly tight jeans cutting off the circulation to his head. "And here is none other than Shurm. He has an emoticon for his head that's always frowning." King Elixir drew out a large iron pistol shooting Shurm through the head. Shurm fell over dead sprawling across the intricately tiled floor. "Ive always wanted to do that " the King said as he tucked away the bolt pistol. "There are some more I'd like you to meet after we clean you up a tad bit and shave your head."

the stallion whinnied and continued to prance about.

King Elixir said to his black stallion "What should we do with my naïf? He must be taught a lesson."

the stallion reared up and spoke in shrill voice "Lets suit the pudge in armor and send him upon a quest. I think you should send him to trolle country so he can kill off all thee terrible trolles that live in the dank forest there. Give him a big sword and a laser gun."

the king sat back in his throne pondering what the talking horse had just said. Again King Elixir snapped his ringed fingers and out came Danny Internuts. Danny had a flat top head and huge rings for earrings. Instead of eyes he had glass marbles that were pink. "This is Danny." the king told Stelek. "He is my royal armorer. Go with him and he will suit you up for your quest. I expect good things from you and you shall have the black stallion to guide you to the dank forest."

the black stallion snorted through it's nose hissing in anger "I want nothing to do with this young naïf. He is made of stuff from yonder EPIC FAIL. thee trolles will tear him limb from limb."

King Elixir spoke "Mr. Horse you yourself said we should send young Stelek out to fight the trolles."

"Yes I did." said the black stallion with a twinkle in his eyes. "But I have no desire to accompany him. I suggested this because I know that Stelek is doomed to fail."

"Okay old friend you can stay here with me but before our new champion sets forth upon his quest I want you to fill his fat head with all your Best of Tactics how to defeat the trolles."

Stelek followed Danny to the armory. Danny rummaged through a closest pulling out a bright pink jester suit and a wooden rocking horse. "Here ya go!" Danny grinned.

The naïf quivered in rage "The King said you would give me armor, a big sword and a laser gun. How I am supposed to kill any of those old time trolles dressed in a clown suit riding upon a rocker horse?"

"I don't have any armor right now. The trolles raided our castle last month and stole all my armor. You'll just have to make do."

the naïf slowly tugged on the pink jester suit and sat upon the rocking horse and began to rock forward towards the front of the great keep. The rocker horse creaked under the heavy girth of Stelek then snapped in half with the naïf landing upon his fat arse.

"Oh you've ruined the royal rocking horse!" exclaimed Danny. "The King won't be happy at all. Get the hell out of here immediately!"

Stelek ran away crying. Finally he found an exit and left the castle. Outside he saw the black stallion grazing grass.

"Oh there you are." said the talking horse. "I figured you might come this way. There is the road that leads to the trolle country. They have all our beautiful suits of armor and best weapons. I feel a bit sorry for you though and thought you could use this." The black stallion pulled forth and old book. "It's my Best of Tactics and I have an entire chapter dedicated to fighting yer old time trolles. I suggest you run away and never come back. The old trolles will surely grind your bones and put you in a big pot to cook you. I'm sure all your tubbage could feed a family of trolles for a week."

Stelek took the book and began to cry as he made his way down the yellow brick road. He could hear the horse snickering. The black stallion was following him. "Please help me Mr. Stallion! I'm scared to death of those mean trolles."

"You my book. It's your only help. Maybe if you are lucky you'll find some weapons the trolles left behind from their plunder. Now move along. This will teach you a lesson for sure."

Stelek made his way down the yellow brick road keeping an eye out for any weapons the looting trolles may have left behind. All he had managed to find was a bit of old rusty razorwire and a tree limb. The black stallion had roamed off earlier and was nowhere to be found. The naïf was very hungry and listened to hid big fat stomach rumbling. He really wanted to eat. Up ahead he spied a small brick house and smoke poured out from the chimney. There was a sign in front that said BBQ. Stelek's mouth began to water and he ran up. A skinny old man sat inside the house turning large racks of meat over an open flame. A huge cask of ale sat over in the corner.

"My name is Stelek and I am on a quest to kill all the old time trolles. Would you be so kind as to feed me kind sir?"

The old man squinted through his monocle. "Stelek you say is your name? You look like a fat fool!" The old man laughed. "Why would good king Elixir send forth someone like you to rid the countryside of all these trolles? We need a knight, that's what we need."

"Well I was supposed to be presented with a suit of armour and fine weapons but the armourer Danny Internutz told me the trolles have ransacked the castle. All I have is this tome from the talking horse which I have been reading along the way to the trolle country. It has many fine tacticas to defeat the trolles and I am supposing I'll have to fight them in hand to combat."

"I tell you what." said the hermit. "I'll trade you some roasted beef and ale for that book of yours."

the naïf looked down at the book he held in his pudgy hands and then looked up at the barbeque. His hunger was enormous now and he felt like he could eat a horse. Slowly he handed over the book.

The hermit snatched the book and opened it, tearing out page after page crumpling them and tossing them into the hot fire.

"Why did you do that?" cried the naïf.

"Well it's only good for kindling my fire and I don't want any other newbies round these parts filling their heads with that garbage." The hermit looked up at the naïf and sneered. "Hand to hand combat... those trolles will tear you apart limb from limb, you fat young fool!" With that the old man cut off a big piece of fatty meat and plopped it on an iron plate pushing it over towards the naïf. "Help yourself to the ale."

Stelek immediately began shoving the hot meat down his mouth as the juice ran down the sides of his mouth. The meat tasted excellent. Next the naïf poured himself a huge tankyard full of the cold ale and took a sip.

"Well boy I can't help but feel sorry for yee and your predicament. I am known as the great Mauleed and was once a questing knight long ago. I threw out my back josting and was forced to retire here. It's a quite life now and I meet many strangers along this yellow brick road. I know you are doomed but I'll try my best to help you." The hermit went to the back of his shop and pulled out an old dusty black book. "This is the ancient tome of yee RAW. I wrote this and it has helped many a young newb such as yourself go onto to win many a glorious battle. You see, thee trolles don't fight fair so you have to intimately familiarize yourself with all the rules of warfare so you can better exploit them. RAW is the cannon of all great knights. Take this book with you and learn it. It be yee only hope of salvation now."

the naïf looked up from his cold pint. "Tell me great sir Mauleed did yee every fight any trolles?"

"Yes I did indeed my boy. I fought many a trolle."

"How did you defeat them?" asked Stelek.

"Read the RAW!" bellowed the hermit. Suddenly Mauleed grabbed the empty plate from the newb and flung it into the kitchen sink. "I think it best you be moving along now. I have plenty of work left to finish this day, no more time left to chat with fat newbs. Move along."

Stelek stood up clutching the tome of RAW tightly to his chest as bright tears rolled down his pudgy cheeks. "Thank yee good sir for all your sage advice abd this here fine meal. I won't forget your kindness."

the hermit slammed the door shut as Stelek stepped outside. The sun had sunken low and a cool breeze blew. The sound of howling came from the woods and Stelek felt fear.

"Git off my property!" shouted the hermit as he poked teh barrels of a musket through the window.

Stelek started to run along the yellow brick road wheezing as he clutched the tome of RAW to his spindly chest.

Finally night had fallen. Stelek continued to hear howling and it grew louder. The naïf found a hollow tree beside the road and crawled in. It was a tight fit and the newb's big belly stuck out from the hollow. The night grew cold and the naïf shivered. Then there came the sound of rattling bones. Stelek looked out to spy a rotted green putrid corpse shuffling down the road. "Spam... Spam... Spammich..." it mumbled.

"Oh my!" thought the naïf. "This must be the dread ghoulie Shane."

"Spam!" cried the zombie as it stumbled on. Stelek could see it's face was dark and twisted. Both it's eyes dangled from their sockets and the top of his head was cracked open. "Spam!" cried the monster and then it was gone shuffling out of sight. The newb felt relieved and let out a gasp. Dark tales told to teh little children said that thee ghoulie would eat all your spam. It was still a scary thought. The newb laid back his head and soon fell fast asleep snoring like a pig.

The naïf felt a tug upon his frilly purple collar waking him from a deep slumber. In the darkness he could make out a pair of towering giants standing over him. He began to shake with fear and the newb felt his scrotum tighten.

"We are the brothers Grimm." thundered one of the giants. "This is my brother Olympia and I am Shuma." A cloud passed by and under the moonlight Stelek could see both of the titans were cyclops. They both had big mouths with row upon row of big rotten teeth. Snot dripped from their nostrils. "We heard you snoring and had a come look to see what it was." Both of the giants laughed and patted each other fondly. "Dear brother I think we should stick this whelp on a split and slowly roast him upon an open fire. His flab will add much flavor."

"The boy is not more than a snack at best." said Olympia. "I think it would be better just to trust him and throw him down into a dry well. It will teach him for snoring out loud beside the yellow brick road."

Shuma lifted up the naïf by the collar and threw him through the air. Stelek cried out in fear as he thumped hard upon the brick road. Lifting himself up the naïf grasped his book and started to run.

"Come back here right now!" boomed the voice of Shuma. "We'll gnash your bones and grind your lumpened skull when we catch you."

the newb continued to run as fast as his short legs could carry him. He heard the steps of the two giants as they chased after him. His breath was short and he felt himself wheezing. Still he ran on as fast as he could. He came upon a steep rise of the road. At the top of the crest a knight in splendid emerald armor sat upon a pale charger. Vines of ivy and clumps of Spanish moss hung from his helmet like a long beard. Stelek heard the two giants behind him. Suddenly the knight charged down the hill on his mount lowering his long pointed lance. The titan named Olympia stepped forth swinging a big tree. The lance struck the giant in the eye and speared out through the back of the skull. Stelek gasped and squat down watching the battle unfold before him. Shuma the other giant cried out with great remorse as he watched his brother topple falling on top of him. Shuma struggled to throw off the weight of his dead brother and watched in horror as the emerald knight dismounted, lifting a large two headed axe from his charger's saddle. The knight walked over and deftly chopped off Shuma's head then kicked into a bush beside the yellow brick road. Before the naïf could thank him the knight had already remounted and rode away back up the hill from whence he came.

Stelek combed the bodies of the two dead giants and found a long sharp sword. The naïf trusted up the weapon and belted the scabbard around his rotund waist. There were also some victuals which he kept in a sack with his black tome and slung it over his shoulder. The sun was slowly rising and the newb began his trek anew as birds chirped.

Stelek continued on the yellow brick road as the sun soared overhead. It was a hot day and the fat naïf had begun to sweat copiously. He heard the trickle of a stream and saw a bridge ahead. There was a toll gate and a hideous monstrosity sat perched upon a stool. Stelek made his way up to the gate and stopped. "I am on a quest and must cross through."

the monster snarled and spat black phleghm upon the road. It burnt like acid smoking at it seeped into the brick. "All yee who enter here must first play the toll, turn back or die a hideous death. This being the entrance to yee old trolle country. Only the most brave or foolhardy would venture forth." The monster sniffed. "You don't look all that brave to me boy. I reckon you had best turn back while you still have the chance."

"What is the cost to cross past your gate Mr. Trolle? I have a sack full of fine victuals."

again the trolle sniffed. "I don't smell nothing that I'd be wanting to eat in that big sack of yours but you look like you'd make a tasty meal. It looks to me like you don't have anything I'd be interested in."

"What is your toll Mr. Trolle?" asked Stelek.

"Two pieces of eight. That is right. It's gold or nothing. Now show me what you got or turn back now. I won't warn yee again." The trolle spit again then stuck his long tongue up into a nostril twisting it all about. It's tongue slithered back out covered in chunks of dried mucus and slimy black snot. The trolle sucked in his tongue slurping up the foul sticky ichor.

Stelek watched and felt sick to his stomach. The trolle stood up and walked forth. "They call me Old Johnny Wang the little trolle. I don't like anything really and I always look on the bad side of things. Ain't nothing good enough for me and I know just about everything there is to know under this here sun and then some. I'll tell you what, you fat newb... I've got a riddle for yee. If you can answer my riddle I'll let you pass on through. But if you can't then surely I'll skin yer bones and suck the marrow out them after I crack them all open one by one. Deal?" the old trolle grinned. Yee are only a step away from entering thee old trolle country now boy so think on it first before yee answers."

Stelek blurted out "Tell me the riddle you old goat!" and drew his sword.

The trolle guffawed then said "What is black and white and red all over?"

"I know the answer!" shouted the fat newb. "Its the rules of engagement. Thee rules lawyers read them all over and over again looking for any loophole they might be able to exploit."

the trolle frowned as he slowly opened the gate. "Youre not quite as stupid as you look in that silly pink leotard. Now be careful with that there sword or you'll be putting someone's eye out for sure."

Stelek lifted up his chin and marched through the open gate. When he got to the other side of the bridge he walked down and bent over to sip from the ice cold mountain stream. At first the water tasted marvelous but then all of a sudden it tasted putrid. The newb looked up to see old Johhny Wang pissing over the side of the wooden bridge. "That will teach for being so smart you foolish newb!"

Stelek spit out the water and walked off following the winding yellow brick road.

Stelek continued along the yellow brick road. The forest had grown more dense and the tree tops covered the road. The naïf still heard mad howls come from the woods and sometimes he saw creatures moving in the bushes. Finally he came to a clearing where there had once been a field of wheat. The ground was littered with dead bodies. Up on a post Stelek saw a scarecrow. The strawman looked up and shouted "Help me!"

Stelek left the road and stepped carefully over one dead body after another making his way towards the scarecrow. It's arms were pinned to the post and Stelek cautiously pulled them both loose. The strawman jumped down landing beside the naïf. "Hello kind newb! My name is Smurfy the Scarecrow but you can call me Smurfy for short. The evil trolle king Gwar left me here after killing all the farmers and his harpies come out each morning to peck loose my straw innards." The strawman bent over and began to stuff loose straw back inside his ratty coat. "If only I had a brain!" exclaimed Smurfy as he stood back up and dusted dirt off his coat sleeves.

Stelek could not help but smile. The naïf felt sure he had just made a new friend. "My name is Stelek and I'm on a quest to kill off all the trolles here. This is a magical sword I used to kill two giants."

"Oh my! You are not another newb then." Scruffy got down on his knees kneeling to the naïf. He pulled off his hat and Stelek could see that the strawman's head was hollow. "I will follow you to the ends of the world to aid you in your great quest!"

Stelek smiled again and offered a pudgy hand to help up the scarecrow.

Stelek and Smurfy walked along the road listening to the howls coming from the woods. Smurfy puffed up his chest and carried a broken tree limb for a weapon. They rounded a bend and came upon a cluster of tiny cottages built beside the road. Short little people came out to see them. "We are the munchkins and we want to welcome you to our humble abode. I am the mayor of the munchkins and my name is Froggage. Welcome!" All the munchkins cheered.

"My name is Sir Stelek and this is my squire Smurfy. King Elixir has sent us on a quest to rid this country of all trolles." the naïf brandished his sword.

Froggage smiled and said "This calls for a great celebration! Let's prepare a big feast for Sir Stelek!" The munchkins began to run about gathering food and making celebration. "Only the best for Sir Stelek!" said Froggage.

The munchkins worked hard and finally a long table with many chairs set about were put in place. Stelek sat at the end on a small throne. There were many pots of hot steaming food and Stelek eat his fill. They talked about the evil trolles and the fat naïf explained to them about his fight against the two giants. Suddenly Froggage looked rather sad and clapped his hands together. "I did hear tell that the Emerald Knight slew Olympia and Shurma."

"Its not true at all." said Smurfy. "I watched Sir Stelek kill them both with his magical sword. The giants never stood a chance!" exclaimed the strawman.

Stelek took a sip from his pot of ale and winked at Smurfy. "This Emerald Knight is a coward. When he came upon the two giants he rode away as fast as his charger could carry him."

"Its true!" said the scarecrow.

The munchkin mayor sat silent for a moment then laughed. "If Scruffy says it's so then who am I to disagree? It's said scarecrows are too stupid to be able to lie."

Smurfy frowned but the fat naïf kicked him under the table. "Yes of course."

the feast continued well into the night.

Finally the feast was over. All the food had been eaten and all the ale drunken. Froggage pulled out his pipe and lit it up taking a deep puff. "Sir Stelek I want to tell you about the evil king trolle Gwar. He wears a spiked crown he got from the dead body of an evil witch that was slayed by the Emerald Knight. Gwar waited until the pitch black hour of midnight to slink onto the field of battle and steal the dead queen's crown. This here crown is filled full of evil powers and makes people do exactly what thee wearer sayeth. Everyone is feared of evil Gwar and he rules all thee old time trolles. His army is vast and none can stand before him. He can throw huge boulders and break a giant's back with his stony hands.

"I know yee are a brave lad and have a good heart but I fear for yee. Maybe it would be best if you left thus here trolle country with your hide still intact. The trolles don't come round here often as they think we are too small to eat. What say yee brave Sir Stelek?"

the naïf stood up from the small stone and pointed his sword towards the moon. "Mayor Froggage I have been studying the ancient tome of RAW every night now. These trolles can be defeated. It's all about the rules of engagement. What I need to know now is how far is the trolle king from this here place?"

Froggage took another long pull on his pipe and blew out a smoke ring. "Just stay on the yellow brick road until you come to the former home of the evil witch. You'll find a swamp behind her keep. Circle round back and take thee boat through the swamp heading due north. You'll find King Gwar soon enough."

Stelek thanked the mayor then crawled under the feasting table and fell fast asleep snoring again. Scruffy marched back and forth throughout the rest of the night keeping guard.

Stelek awoke and found his arms and legs wrapped around Smurfy the strawman. Smurfy was shouting for him to wake up and many of the munchkins looked underneath the feasting table watching. Stelek blushed and rolled out from the table. Froggage looked at him with disgust and walked away. Soon the village was dead quiet. "Well I suppose we should be moving along now." said the naïf. Smurfy was busy stuffing straw back into his pants.

The pair got back onto the road and began to walk again. As they left the village they could hear the munchkins coming back out from their cottages. Stones hit their backs and they realized the village was pelting them with rocks. "Ouch!" said Stelek as a big stone struck him across the nose. Smurfy was unusually quite and said nothing.

Soon they were beyond the village. The forest grew denser and darker. The fat naïf developed an unsettling sensation that something was following them. Suddenly a large black panther leapt out from the bushes roaring at them. Smurfy yelled then fainted from fright. The panther roared again then sniffed at Stelek. "You look fat and delicious! I want to bite off your head!"

Stelek screamed. "Please Mr. Jungle Cat don't eat me! Eat the scarecrow instead!"

the panther laughed then swiped the newb across the nose with his paw. "I can't eat straw you idiot. Do you think I am a horse or an elephant?"

"No of course not Mr. Jungle Cat!" cried Stelek.

The panther licked it's chops then sniffed Stelek. "I have a big pot I'm going to cook you in. You need to stew awhile to loosen up all that flab."

Stelek started to cry and begged the big panther for his life. The black panther sighed. "Silly naïf I was only teasing you. I have no desire to eat you. My name is JP and stands for Jungle Princess. You see I am a female panther. I was listening to you talk to the munchkins last night and wanted to see if you are as brave as you said. Now I know that you could not have kill the brothers Grimm. It is a serious matter to lie about feats of courage in the trolle country. You have no business here and I think it would be best for you and your friend the scarecrow to leave immediately. There are plenty of mean trolles all about and you won't be able to talk your way past them all. Sooner or later you are going to find yourself in a serious predicament from which you won't be able to escape." The panther stretched it's back and began to lick it's big paws.

"JP I have to fulfill this quest or I'll never be able to return to my kingdom. I'll be an exile for the rest of my life." said the fat naïf.

"Better a live exile than a dead newb stewing in a trolle's pot." said JP.

"Will you please help me? I only have my friend Smurfy and to be honest I don't think he'll be of much help fighting trolles. I could use someone like you!" Stelek implored.

JP sat down on her haunches thinking. The strawman came to and climbed to his feet. "I don't know." said JP. "I don't see how anything good could from this."

"I have an idea." said the naïf. "Why don't you accompany us to the dead witch's keep then the scarecrow and I will take the boat kept in the back and go some place safe."

JP lowered her gaze and studied the newb. "I know you are a liar. How could I possibly trust you seeing how you lied about killing the giants?"

"Oh that was only one little white lie." said Stelek. "I wanted to impress the munchkins. Please come with us to the dead witch's keep and then we'll be off and you'll never see us ever again!"

"Do you promise to keep your word?" asked the black panther.

"I do with Smurfy here as my witness." said the naïf.

"He always keeps his word!" said the strawman.

"Well I will do it but only on one condition." said the panther.

"And what is that?" asked the newb.

"I've lost my cub and I need you to help me get her back." said JP.

"How can we help you?" asked Stelek.

"When we reach the dead witch's keep there is a crystal ball up in the attic. I will need one of you to bring it back down so I can scrye the location of my lost cub."

"Oh most certainly we will help you JP, but if you don't mind my asking why can't you get the crystal ball yourself?" asked the fat newb.

"The dead witch has her flying monkeys that guard her keep. They have her magic wand which could turn me into a frog." said the panther.

"So what is to keep them from turning me into a frog as well?" said Stelek.

"Nothing really now that you ask but if you want my help then you'll have to just take your chances." purred the panther. "You seem fairly resourceful. Maybe you can outwit the monkeys."

"Okay JP it's a deal. I'll help you the best I can." Stelek smiled.

"Good then let's be on our way. It's not safe to stay in any one spot for a long time with all the trolles roaming freely about." said JP.

The trio made their way along the yellow brick road. Smurfy road on top of JP and Stelek walked beside them. The road began to sink and soon they found themselves treading along a narrow path that descended into a steep valley. The forest pulled back and a full moon sat above the night sky. The air was frigid and Stelek pulled out a long coat from his big sack. The coat was tight and the naïf left it unbuttoned with his big belly sticking out. Huge moths flittered across the night sky and large beetles tread openly through the deep grooves between the yellow bricks. The road eventually flattened into a plateau and they saw the dead witch's keep jutting up from the bottom of the deep basin.

JP came to a halt sitting down and forcing Smurfy to dismount. "this is the end of the road for me." said the panther. "I'll slink off into the yonder bushes and meet you out back behind the castle. Without another word JP shot off into the brush disappearing into the night.

Stelek looked at the keep tracing the moat that ran around the vast keep. The dead witch's castle was much larger than King Elixir's. There was a gatehouse up front with an open drawbridge. Two monkeys sat in the gatehouse with their heads hung low and both snored.

"I think it would be most prudent to follow the moat around back and go directly to the boat dock." said the naïf.

"You promised JP we would find the crystal ball inside the keep." said the strawman.

"Cubs can take care of themselves and JP knows the lay of the land well enough. They'll be alright." said the fat newb.

"But what If JP is waiting for us at the boat dock?" asked Smurfy.

Stelek reached into his sack and pulled out a polished piece of ore. "We will just tell JP this is all we could find. Big cats are stupid Smurfy. We can't waste valuable time appeasing a panther." Stelek winked at the scarecrow and gently nudged him.

The naïf then pulled out his long sword holding it out before him and started forward again. Big groups of monkeys combed the walls of the castle carrying pointed spears and repeater crossbows. Slowly and deftly the pair worked their way around the moat sticking to the shadows. Suddenly Stelek's sword began to glow. "Why oh why now do this sword have to reveal it's enchantment?" cursed Stelek. No sooner had the naïf spoke than a group of monkeys took flight from the castle walls landing beside them.

One of the monkeys had a mechanical face and frowned at Stelek. " My name is Bunker and I am the chief master of the dead witch's flying monkeys. You have trespassed here and must account for your digression."

Strangely enough Stelek was not afraid of the monkeys and waved his big sword at them. "See here Bunker my friend and I are upon a quest to rid these lands of all trolles. I advice you step aside if you know what is best for you. I have slain a pair of dragon trolles and monkeys such as yourself mean nothing to me." boasted Stelek.

Bunker pulled out a lighter and flicked the pan igniting a small flame. The chief monkey aimed it at the scarecrow setting the strawman ablaze. Smurfy screamed in abject fear as the flames burned him. "We are not to be trifles with!" said Bunker. "Put down your sword or accept a fate the same as your friend."

Stelek looked over and watched the strawman running around madly in flaming circles. The conflaguration burned bright then there was nothing left but a hand full of burning ashe. It had happened so quickly.

"I hear a large party of trolles approaching." said Stelek as he sheathed his sword. "Lets make haste and leave this place. Can you grant me safe haven within the keep?"

Bunker grabbed a hold of the naif's coat and dragged him up into the air flying back towards the safety of the castle walls on the other side of the deep moat. The rest of the apes also took flight helping their master chief carry the fat naïf through the night sky.

Troll War Sagas continues!

The fable will soon continue. First I have to post the original material for those who have not read it yet.